and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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