im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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