What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
