I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
