I wish life had little blips of pornography
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
