he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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