I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
