Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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