My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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