Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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