she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
