so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
