Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
