Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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