I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
