Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
