Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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