That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
