Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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