i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
