I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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