Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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