my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
tell me about the fingering
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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