last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
