You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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