he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
