Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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