The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
