Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
