Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
