other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
