our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
