there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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