Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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