hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
