Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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