How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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