I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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