The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
