she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
God gave him joint rollers for hands
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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