i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
