i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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