sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
