I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
