good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
zippers are such a cool invention
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize