I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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