Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize