dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
