I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
