At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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