I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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