I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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