He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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