with your own penis?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
