i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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