I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
