i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
