My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
