my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
