I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
