So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
