can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
