My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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