my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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