the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
