I am midnight drunk by noon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize