What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
