I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
