Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
