"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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