you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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