If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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